How To Know If You’re Dating a Bro

I know what you’re thinking: Sue is too evolved to date a bro. And she’s supposed to be on her offline sabbatical!

I missed you guys. I missed that slut Beth. Also I’m afraid I might be dating a bro. Again. Making this list actually calmed me down. My exes inspired most of the list and my current boyfriend inspired numbers 3, 6, 8, 12, and 14. Five out of fifteen is like a 4 on the bro scale. I might keep him around a little longer.

Based on my personal experiences (yes, number 15 actually happened), if this list rings true about your current relationship, you might be dating a bro:

1. He has bros. He calls them “bros.” Case closed.
2. He has bros. He calls them “buddies.” They need at least one night a week together to pub crawl, watch a sports game, and generally celebrate their manliness.
3. He loves extreme sports i.e. snowboarding, skydiving, whitewater rafting.
4. His iPod is filled with hip-hop, mash-ups, and that one Eminem song with Rihanna, which he believes makes him a feminist.
5. He drunk dials and booty calls.
6. He and his “buddies” (aka “bros”) vacation together and go in on “shares:” ski cabins, beach houses, boats they call yachts.
7. He owns less than 20 books, among them Philip Roth and a travel book that begins with “The 100 Best…”
8. He once won a drinking contest in college and tells the story with a proud tone in his voice.
9. He claims he used to play video games. By “used to,” he means when you’re not around or when you are around and he’s stoned, bored, or hungover.
10. He has amateur porn sites bookmarked on his web browser.
11. He gets drunker than you when you go out, begs you to make out with another girl or give him anal sex, then makes you drive home.
12. He calls himself “a moderate” when discussing his political affiliations.
13. His mother doesn’t know about you.
14. His ex-girlfriend has a name that ends in “—ey.”
15. He once tried to hi-five you after sex.

Alright, admit it, we know you love bros. Make me feel better and tell me some horror stories.