The time has come, gals. A man’s voice has officially been let loose on GalYab. Not without mediation, of course.
I asked Bob to tell me what he thinks our most annoying traits are. At first he just gave me a couple and I thought I’d have to use my intuition to figure out the rest. And then in turned into an all night “conversation.” Here are the bits that apply to us all.
Bob says: Lets start with the truest cliché of all time: You say “yes” when you really want to say “no.”
I say: Seriously, why do we do that? I try so hard to stop, but can’t. In our defense, sometimes the question/proposal is so lame, that you are forced to lie. And then expect them to understand that you lied. Tsk. Tsk.
Bob says: You ask for our opinion about something and then get mad at the opinion just because it’s not the same as what you preconceived. An opinion is not defined as a confirmation of what you already think.
I say: Boys, boys. Ever heard of tact?
Bob says: You always have an answer ready and no matter what we say or don’t say, you have a way to always make us feel like we made the wrong choice of words. Even if we chose to not speak at all.
I say: Silence.
Bob says: You think anything we say about other women is actually about you.
I say: I don’t think that.
Bob mutters: I rest my case.
Bob says: Women tend to form camps of alliance against male camps, until one of us campers is cute to you.
I say: Yeah. And?
Bob says: You never say what you mean.
I say: Yes I do. You just tend to misunderstand everything.
Bob says: The concept of “ready in five minutes” and “I’ll be right there,” means anything from 20 minutes to an hour.
I say: When we form the words “in five” or “right there,” we are not yet aware that you are either a. hovering above us while we try to match a purse to an already problematic, rushed outfit, or b. tapping your foot with your hand on the door and keys jingling in hand.
Bob says: International women’s lie: porn is a guy thing.
I say: Yeah gals, get over that one.
Bob says: You’ve created a strange, fine line between your support for feminism and your desire for chivalry. This line ranges from one shore of the Mississippi to the other.
I say: Dude, we’re as confused as you are. Work with us.
Bob says: You get all dressed up, go to a bar, sit there with your girlfriends, and when one of us gathers up the courage and offers to buy you a drink, you shoot him down. Try “no, thanks.” Don’t find the coldest brush off. And end up going home alone. Fifty women posing on one side of the bar, 50 men on the other side. Gals, this ain’t prom. This is your life.
I say: As it is yours…
Bob says: There’s a little princess inside each and every one of you. We know that. Why is it that the minute you realize we know, you turn into some form of Brigitte Nielsen?
I say: Grrr.
Bob says: Tell us what you want in bed. Period. No excuses.
I say: Follow me.
P.S. Stay tuned for Bob’s retaliation to what annoys us about them.