I’d like to talk about sex. Actually, I’ve wanted to talk about sex for days now, but guess what, writing and talking about it are two very different things. Writing about it is hard. So I’m going to write as I would talk. Most of this will make little sense.
There’s some controversy out there about whether that doctor finally found the G spot. First I’d like to note that he did his research on a dead 80-something-year-old woman. She didn’t even get to tell anyone if she felt it before she died. Then I’d like to ask a question. Do we care if there is a G spot or not? Yes, they’ll make better sex toys. Do we care about better sex toys? I don’t. What I care about is better sex. With a live person. Don’t you?
There was a recent story in the New York Times about a fad or movement where people abstain. From sex. Mature, normal adults. Because there are more important things in life. How is that possible? I thought nature pretty much made an unbendable rule: humans will want to have sex. If they chose to go against me, they will die out. Only men will be left to roam the Earth.
(Get there faster. Get it? Humans die out. Only men left.)
If you’re not getting my bad humor, you probably haven’t gotten some in a while.
But I digress.
So sex. First let me finish with the sex toy hitting the G spot. How much do you want to bet that if the G campaign is good enough, suddenly every other woman in the world will find the spot that she’s been looking for her entire adult life. Kind of like when we were teenagers and told our girlfriends that we have an orgasm every time we have sex with our bro boyfriend. Or at least I think it’s an orgasm, we’d say. So yeah, I think I’ve explained my stance on G marking the spot here. I mean, what are you going to do, find a guy whose penis extends in the right direction to meet your spot? I once had a friend who claimed that a bro she was sleeping with, and I quote, had the perfect member because it fit into her flower, perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. I wanted to tell her that her vaginal walls where not an elaborate labyrinth-like structure made of marble. But decided to not ruin her bliss.
What if you are already in a long-term relationship and want to stay there, what are you to do if your boyfriend’s penis does not hit the spot? Hand action can be pretty tiring and unfulfilling sometimes. And oh my, what if the fingers aren’t doing the right thing either?
But guess what. You can go get one of those new and enhanced G spot banging sex toys.
Gals, what I’m trying to say is work with what you’ve got. Don’t obsess over some spot in the walls of your insides. And if you can’t find your own G spot, just imagine the stress, the angst, and anxiety of the man that is up against that feat. There are so many other spots that have better names and are much easier to locate. Explore those.
And as far as the abstinence fad goes, yeah, whatever. They’re a healthy bunch.